Ditch the flowers and save yourself the calories from heart-shaped chocolates, because Valentine’s Day only leaves couples strapped for cash after splashing out on tacky gifts and singletons reminded of their bad luck in love.
So if you’d like to shy away from the syrupy romantic typical of Valentine’s Day
movie-watching, fear not; I’ve assembled a list of the 14 best Anti-Valentine’s Day movies that will justify that lack of any warm fuzzy feeling you not might have.
14. Love Stinks
Seth Winnick thinks he has it all: a successful career in television, great friends, and a passionate relationship with beautiful Chelsea. However, when he fails to make a timely marriage proposal, Chelsea decides to make his life hell. Talk about clingy!
13. The Break-Up
In a bid to keep their luxurious condo from their significant other, a couple’s break-up proceeds to get uglier and nastier by the moment. When they were filming The Break-Up co-stars Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston were hooking up. By the time it was realised they, like their characters, had broken up. The on-screen fights occasionally feel so real that it’s kind of awkward. But hey who doesn’t love car-crash movies? I better not mention Mr & Mrs Smith…oops.
12. Death Becomes Her
When a woman learns of an immortality treatment, she sees it as a way to outdo her long-time rival. Madeline is married to Ernest, who was once Helen’s fiancé. After she recovers from a mental breakdown, Helen vows revenge by stealing back Ernest and plotting to
kill Madeline. But when that doesn’t go to plan the ex-besties ditch Ernest and stick together. Death Becomes Her is the ultimate girl power movie.
11. Fatal Attraction
The lesson here: if you’re going to have an affair, choose wisely. Dan (Michael Douglas) has a weekend fling with Alex (Glenn Close) while his wife is out of town. When wifey returns, Alex refuses to keep their hook-up on the downlow, instead going completely crazy. The movie implies the rather unbelievable notion that Michael Douglas is sexually desirable enough to turn a girl loco. But it also makes a solid case for asking all prospective dates for their views on small cuddly bunnies.
10. Blue Valentine
This 2010 drama proved something very satisfying: really ridiculously good looking couples can be miserable too. Ryan Gosling (babe) and Michelle Williams (babe) play a couple of small-town kids who got married too young and are taking all their frustrations out on each other. Together, they’re the really beautiful poster children for staying single in your 20s.
9. My Best Friend’s Wedding
Here’s a rom-com in which the leading lady doesn’t land her dream man.
This 1997 Julia Roberts movie is a rom-com with a difference. Julianne (Roberts) panics when she hears the news her longtime man friend and crush Michael (Dermot Mulroney) is engaged to be married. Pretty soon, this red-headed Julia becomes a JuLIAR as she engages in all sorts of underhanded deeds to break up the happy couple. Seeing as she’s the leading lady, she’ll get her man, right? Moral of the story: sometimes a gay best
friend is the only man you need.
8. The War of the Roses
Never has the phrase “love is a battlefield” been taken more literally than in Danny Devito’s sophomore directorial outing. A black comedy based on a 1981 novel of the same name, The War of the Roses stars Michael (one-night-with-me-makes-you-craycray) Douglas and sexily cigarette-voiced Kathleen Turner play a somewhat psychopathic couple who, via crashed dinner parties and mutilated sports cars, try to ruin each lives in attempt to get ownership of the house post-divorce. It’s simultaneously hilarious and gleefully
When the impoverished but free-spirited Jack met Rose on that doomed ship, he totally changed her life, opening her to a world of possibilities. Rose’s thank you? To watch him slowly freeze to death in the icy waters of the Atlantic, all because she wanted leg room. That’s just bad girlfriend behaviour! If Jack hadn’t hooked up with that selfish broad he could’ve clambered on to another piece of debris and lived to paint another French girl.
A sexually frustrated suburban father has a mid-life crisis after becoming infatuated with his daughter’s best friend. Meanwhile his wife is off having an affair with a man with bad eyebrows and the charisma of Ed Miliband. When it all comes out Lester couldn’t care less and this leads to some of the black-comedy’s best scenes.
Closer is a scathing, cynical sneer at modern-day relationships, starring a quartet of some of the most hateful, insensitive characters ever put to film. Needless to say infidelities, broken trust and shattered promises abound. It’s all very messy and very beautiful. A venomous Valentine if there ever was one, Closer remains one of the worst first-date
movies ever made.
4. The Great Gatsby
Millionaire Jay Gatsby has everything a man could ever want; fame, fortune and powerful friends. But he doesn’t care, it’s all to impress a girl and the ungrateful floozy doesn’t even care. Poor old Leo just can’t catch a break.
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Kate Winslet again! She’s my Anti-Valentine’s anti-hero . This surreal 2004 flick will hit home for anyone who’s ever wished they could erase all memory of their ex — Winslet and Carrey play a pair whose breakup was so painful, they both employ the services of a company to wipe their brains clean of any trace of their time together.
2. (500) Days of Summer
“This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know in
advance, this is not a love story.”True to those words this bitter-sweet non-romantic comedy shows that a relationship can just not work out – no matter how
badly you want it to. We’ve all been in
the heartbreaking position so accurately displayed in the movie’s devastating ‘Expectations
vs. Reality’ sequence but at least this time we’ve got JGL to make us swoon.
1. Gone Girl
When his wife’s disappearance becomes the focus of an intense media circus a man sees the spotlight turned on him when it’s suspected that he may not be innocent. But all is not what it seems. The couple both have their share of secrets, each one less willing to share them than the other. Watch this movie and you will never look at your other half the same way again.
Bridget Jones got it right; why have one man in your life
when you can have two? And no I don’t mean Colin Firth and Hugh Grant, I mean Ben
Happy Valentine’s Day suckers and in the wise words of Adam Sandler …
By Ruth Walker