The terrible movie adaptation of the terrible book 50 Shades of Grey has been released. Whoop de doo. It’s very fitting that the worst movie of the year is out just in time for the most commercial day of the year.
My newsfeed is jam-packed with people who can’t wait to watch some douchebag named Christian Grey tie up a young idiot and do things to her that probably warrant a visit to A&E and extensive emotional counselling.
Although I find the storyline putrid for numerous reasons, I know I’m in the minority. Millions of people across the world were enthralled with the books and have already pre-booked their tickets. However, I can think of 50 things that I would rather do than watch the poorly written porno.
1. Rip off my toenails with rusty pliers.
2. Have a Friends marathon.
3. Listen to the Frozen soundtrack on repeat for a month.
4. Give up carbs.
5. Bathe in dog poop.
6. Pay someone to run over my foot with a forklift.
7. Eat my weight in chilli then ride a roller coaster.
8. Watch Vanilla Sky.
9. Accept invitations to play Facebook games.
10. Watch TOWIE, every day, for the rest of my life.
11. Join the cast of Bear Gryll’s Mission Survive.
12. Wash my hair with cigarette ashes.
13. Replace my toilet paper with steel wool.
14. Get sunburn, then pour boiling water on said sunburn.
15. Ride a slow train to hell.
16. Eat a mouldy bread and sardine sandwich with a glass of curdled milk.
17. Sleep naked in a sewer.
18. Trap myself in an elevator with my exes.
19. Lick a waiting room chair.
20. Shoot myself, in the foot. Again and again and again and again and again and again.
21. Wallpaper every room in my house and then remove it.
22. Run into a swarm of angry bees.
23. Have everybody talk to me in only ‘txt spch’.
24. Relive my school days. On a loop.
25. Attach 1,000 leeches to my body and watch them slowly suck the blood out of my body.
26. Play hide and seek in a pile of elephant dung.
27. Sit in a room with Kristen Stewart and tell her endless jokes that I find hilarious just to be shot in the soul when she never even cracks a smile.
28. Watch the ending of Titanic, on repeat, forever.
29. Be a guest on the man-hating show that is Loose Women.
30. Get a bikini wax.
31. Be stuck in a confined place with Kanye West.
32. Suck a sweaty, stinky toe.
33. Watch 50 shades of paint dry.
34. Go on Jeremy Kyle.
35. Repeatedly hit my funny bone.
36. Take my shoes off at a club at 3am, when the floor is sticky and covered in a trail of glass and bodily fluids.
37. Have the world’s strongest man drop a kettle bell on my foot.
38. Walk over a floor covered in Lego, tacks and rusty nails.
39. Shave my head.
40. Peel 1,000 potatoes with a plastic knife.
41. Never watch another Will Ferrell movie again.
42. Have to say YOLO in every conversation I have for a week. Goodbye friends.
43. Meet Jennifer Lawrence and be uncool.
44. Never being blessed with the sound of Morgan Freeman’s voice ever again.
45. Become a vegan.
46. Have the only outfit I own be a pink matching velour tracksuit.
47. Wait another 20 years for the next ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ book.
48. Watch a Johnny Depp biopic directed by Tim Burton.
49. Jump into a pool of syringes in an attempt to find a key.
50. Write a list of 50 things I’d rather do than watch 50 Shades of Grey.
Seriously all of this sounds much more appealing to me than taking a big-screen tour of the Red Room of Pain and hearing some girl describe her psychotic lover’s eyes as “smoldering embers”. I think I’d rather set my eyes ablaze than listen to such absurdities. There’s your smoldering embers E.L. James.
By Ruth Walker